Weren't We Just Asking Questions?
I'd like to see that "Epstein list," now that you mention it
Hmm, Curious.
I’m not prone to conspiracy theorizing, and I don’t have much patience for people who are. That’s not to say that I don’t understand the appeal — they’re a way for not-particularly-bright people to feel smart by imagining they have special knowledge, and they’re also a way for people to avoid the [probably] more uncomfortable concept that the universe is much more random and uncaring than they would prefer and that sometimes bad things just happen.
Plus, having spent close to 20 years in various government agencies, I’ve come to believe that the average federal office couldn’t competently plan a surprise birthday party, much less engage in a complex and nefarious conspiracy. Some people just prefer to believe the conspiracy, though.
It reminds me of the joke about the man who dies and arrives at the pearly gates, and upon entering he encounters God, who tells him “I will answer any question you want completely honestly.” The man responds, “I want to know what really happened to JFK.” And God says “There was a single gunman. Lee Harvey Oswald acted alone, motivated by his Communist fanaticism.” The man sat down, stunned. “This conspiracy goes even higher than I thought!”
Some conspiracies are more plausible than others, I’ll admit. The earth is round and you can prove it by yourself. The idea that the earth is actually flat and that’s a secret kept from us by the powers-that-be is obviously ridiculous. Similarly, any amateur astronomer can prove the moon landing was real by reflecting a laser off of the, uh, reflectors, left there by the Apollo crews. 9/11 was quite clearly perpetrated by al Qaeda. The COVID vaccine was [and is] safe and effective. To believe otherwise in any of these cases is to willingly ignore plain and obvious evidence in favor of that which does not exist.
But Jeffrey Epstein? I’m at least willing to entertain the idea. A billionaire with a history of sex trafficking of and crimes against young girls has an extensive list of rich and influential “friends” that he flies to his private island for undisclosed reasons? It’s certainly at least plausible that his “friends” could have engaged in some of those escapades. And when he got arrested in 2019, it’s entirely plausible that one of these wealthy “friends” would be terrified of his testimony and arranged his death while in prison. I mean, it’s also totally plausible that he knew he was dead to rights, so to speak, and decided to check out before spending the last couple of decades of his life in prison [where they don’t take too kindly to sex traffickers and child molesters]. But as I said, I’m open to the idea that he got whacked before he could spill the proverbial beans about any number of his rich and powerful friends.
Honestly, it’s one of the most bipartisan issues of the last 20 years. Some people are more convinced than others that Epstein definitely facilitated sex crimes among various rich and powerful people, but I’m not aware of anyone who is willing to dismiss the notion out of hand. And given that “the establishment is made up of secretive pedophiles” is one of the more popular beliefs of the terminally-online sect of Trumpism, quite the cadre of MAGA types have spent the last nearly-six years agitating for the release of the “Epstein files,” or, more specifically, the “Epstein client list.”
JD Vance was stating the obvious in 2021:
Vivek Ramaswamy was making it part of his campaign pitch in 2023:
The president’s own son was raising important points:
Also in 2023, Kash Patel — the man now in charge of the FBI — attested that the FBI was in possession of the Epstein list and that the only reason they weren’t releasing it was became of “who’s on that list.”
In February of this year, i.e., after Trump had taken office for his second term, Attorney General Pam Bondi said Epstein’s client list “is sitting on my desk right now to review; that’s been a directive by President Trump.”
But then earlier this week, the Department of Justice unceremoniously released an undated and unsigned memo that said, in part:
This systematic review revealed no incriminating “client list.” There was also no credible evidence found that Epstein blackmailed prominent individuals as part of his actions. We did not uncover evidence that could predicate an investigation against uncharged third parties.
Darn the luck! After years of insinuating a conspiracy, and sometimes stating it outright, and after the Director of the FBI attesting to the list’s existence and the Attorney General stating plainly that the list was “on [her] desk to review,” we’re told they have nothing?
And now Donald Trump is incensed that you would even ask about it!
Are you still talking about Jeffrey Epstein? This guy’s been talked about for years. You’re asking — we have Texas, we have this, we have all of the things — and, are people still talking about this guy, this creep? That is unbelievable. […] I can’t believe you’re asking about Epstein at a time like this, where we’re having some of the greatest success, and also tragedy, with what happened in Texas. It just seems like a desecration.
Methinks he doth protest a little too much, y’know?
Obviously these notions are incompatible with each other, so someone is lying. Either Pam Bondi and Kash Patel were lying when they said that the Epstein list was in the possession of the FBI [or, in Bondi’s case, when she said it was on her desk] or they’re lying now when they say there’s no list. Now, I’m perfectly willing to believe that both Patel and Bondi were lying before when they said they had a list when they didn’t, and that every single MAGA rabblerouser who roused rabble about it is likewise either a liar or a gullible moron, but it seems like these are questions that should be asked and answered, no?
So which is it? Was Pam Bondi lying when she said Epstein’s client list was on her desk? Or is she lying now when she says there’s no such list? Honestly, I could believe that Jeffrey Epstein didn’t keep a client list himself — that admittedly wouldn’t be the smartest operational security for a child sex trafficking enterprise; as they said on the Wire, “Is you takin’ notes on a criminal [lovin’] conspiracy?” But I also believe that any thorough investigation into Epstein’s illicit activities could have generated such a list, at least of people looking into, y’know?
But in the event that there actually is no list, and there never was such a list, that simply means that several prominent figures in Trump’s orbit, including his own son and his vice president, were grotesquely politicizing sex crimes against minors for their own political gain. And while that doesn’t generate the same headlines, it’s still worth noting that such prominent figures are dishonest in such a gross manner. [Not that the sort of people inclined to engage in such conspiracy theorizing are going to have their minds changed by learning that people they trust were lying to them, but it’s nice to think about.]
The Laziest Form of Political Analysis
I’ve often said that the lowest form of punditry is to point to some behavior of Donald Trump and simply ask rhetorically, “Can you imagine if Barack Obama did that?” I still chuckle when I remember how annoyed I was when the official White House Twitter account participated in some silly hashtag game going around. I actually said it was beneath the office of the presidency to do such a thing. I mean, I still think that, but it just seems…quaint…these days. But there were many criticisms of Barack Obama — He put his feet on the Resolute Desk! He doesn’t wear a tie in the Oval Office! He wore a tan suit at a press conference! — from a lot of the same people who these days celebrate the various instances of coarseness and crassness from the Trump White House.
Earlier this week, however, I saw what is perhaps the platonic ideal of “Can you imagine if Barack Obama had done it?” punditry — this video of Donald Trump signing a waitress’s tanktop in the, uh, chestal area while the crowd woops and hollers. I mean, can you imagine the sort of Hard-R vulgarities that would be flying on Twitter from the sort of people who think Donald Trump is the reincarnation of King David?
It’s of a piece with the fact that official Trump administration social media accounts have recently become purveyors of AI slop and the dumbest trolling:
And last week Trump announced that he wants to host a UFC fight on the White House grounds next summer as part of the United States’ 250th anniversary celebration. And…I dunno, it’s just not what I look for in my government, y’know? All of it just rubs me the wrong way. It was one of the earliest dividing lines for me in the Trump era, but Trump is just the tackiest man on the planet. He is gaudy and crass, and he encourages the same in his supporters. Call me a snooty elitist who wears his own ass as a hat [and many have!], but the President of the United States should not be tacky and crass. We should have higher standards than that. But in a government of, by, and for the people, the government by definition cannot be better than the people. So it seems tacky and crass is just where we are as an electorate these days.
Rush Limbaugh used to joke that Bill Clinton’s Presidential Library would have a massage parlor attached to it. I imagine Trump’s would be more like a bar on the Jersey Shore where there’s a perpetual Wet T-Shirt Contest going on in which Trump is always the judge.
Events, Dear Boy
I’m taking next week off for my annual beach vacation, and I’m honestly sort of morbidly curious what insane future-altering news event will occur while I’m gone. It seems like the events increasingly significant every year. The first year we went, the Supreme Court overturned Roe vs. Wade. The second year, Donald Trump got indicted. Last year, Joe Biden dropped out of the presidential race. This year, what? Alien invasion?
Whatever it is, you’re gonna have to wait 12 days to read what I think about it.
Occasional Trivia
Answer from last time:
Category: Classic Book Covers
Clue: The cover of this sci-fi novel depicts a man in a newspaper suit on fire.
Fahrenheit 451
Today’s Clue:
Category: Country Singers
Clue: This “thin man” became a phenomenal success using TV commercials to sell his record albums in the 1970s.
Dispatches from the Homefront
I was watching Jeopardy last night with the wife and kids [because that’s the sort of nerd stuff I do for fun] and one of the clues mentioned George Washington. And my older daughter, apparently playing presidential word association, offered unprompted “Donald Trump is the worst president we’ve ever had.”
Now, in spite of my obvious distaste for the man, I don’t actually talk politics with my five year old because 1. I don’t want to burden her childhood with such heavy subject matter before it’s necessary, and 2. I don’t want to be one of those parents who turns their impressionable child into a parrot that does tricks.
So I asked her “…who, who told you that?”
“Gigi!” she said, matter of fact-ly. [Which is what she calls my step-mother-in-law, or however I’m supposed to say that.] “He does lots of mean things, like takes medicine away from people who need it,” she added.
“Huh,” I muttered, sort of stunned, as she skipped off to play. I turned to my wife and exasperatedly said “She’s five, right? Like, I didn’t miss 10 birthdays somewhere?”
“You’d think that sort of thing would go in one ear and out the other,” my wife said, “but she remembers anything you tell her. We are in so much trouble.”
I used to joke that my older daughter would get elected president and my younger one would lead the revolution to depose her, so I guess things are on schedule.